


All-New Millennium Gay Dating Game, The

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Bad Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-08-31
Updated: 2001-08-31
Packaged: 2018-11-20 10:38:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11334054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atThe Basement, which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onThe Basement's collection profile.





	All-New Millennium Gay Dating Game, The

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

The all-new millennium gay dating game by Laurel

Title: The all-new millennium gay dating game  
Author: Laurel  
E-mail:   
Date: July 2001  
Archive: Yes to DitB, anyone else just ask first  
Pairing: Unclassified. If I tell you it'll spoil the surprise ending  
Summary: Badfic  
Rating: R  
Spoilers: Just about everything.  
Notes: This is my first attempt at badfic. I hope it's good enough, er, bad enough

* * *

Cue music: da, da, da, da, da, dat um, da...

Cue audience applause.

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the all-new millennium dating game. I'm your host, Wink, as in wink, wink, nudge, nudge, no last name folks."

Cue audience applause.

"Okay, let's get right to it. Our first contestant is Alex Krycek or Alex Arntzen, depending on which country you're watching from. He's a handsome devil, with dark hair and green eyes. He's an ex-FBI agent as well as an ex-KGB agent. God knows who he works for now! He packs a big gun so don't turn your back on him. Please welcome Alex to the show."

Cue audience applause. 

A few wolf whistles punctuated the air when Alex stepped onto the set, a snarling expression on his face, leather jacket kept on defiantly, legs spread wide over the chair he sat on.

"Whew, hot stuff huh? Let's meet our first mystery date. He's a forty-something divorced assistant director with the FBI, self-described as muscular like Arnold Schwarzenegger and balding. His hobbies include weight lifting, boxing and eating FBI agents for breakfast. Let's give a big hand to Walter Skinner."

Cue audience applause.

A surly, brooding Walter entered the set and sat down on the first chair behind the flimsy screen.

"He's man enough for two or three contestants, isn't he? Our second contestant is a thirty-something single agent with the FBI. What a coincidence. He's been in a platonic relationship with his partner for the last seven years. Talk about slow on the up-take! His hobbies include watching porn, eating sunflower seeds and searching his apartment for surveillance equipment. His nickname is Spooky. Please welcome Fox Mulder."

Cue audience applause.

Mulder, wearing a hideous tie, an expensive suit and a hangdog expression entered the set from behind the curtain and took the second seat. He gave a cursory glance at his boss and rival.

"Our third mystery date is CGB Spender. At least we think that's his name. Anyhow you can call him cigarette smoking man or CSM for short or you can call him cancerman. Just don't call him late for a syndicate meeting. His hobbies include smoking cigarettes and instigating worldwide conspiracies. He also enjoys ordering contract hits, kidnapping and watching aliens probe human abductees. Let's welcome Mr. Spender to the show."

Cue audience applause.

A spattering of applause and a few boos greeted Spender. He sat on the third chair, fingering an unlit Morley.

"Alex, please start with the questions you have chosen to ask your mystery dates."

"Okay, Skinner, if I was an ice cream cone what flavor would I be and how would you eat me?"

"Let's see. I guess it would have to be Rocky Road. I'd bite into you real hard and eat you all up," he growled, "then I'd spank your ass until you cried like a baby."

"Uh, okay. How about you Mulder? Same question."

"Did you kill my father Alex?"

"Oh, Christ, not that again."

"You've never given me a definitive answer."

"Go blow yourself. Okay Spender. Same question."

"Well, Alex," the slithery snake drawled, "I don't think ice cream is good enough for you. You'd be something special, like Cherries Jubilee. I'd set you on fire and eat you while you're burning up."

There was a sudden bulge in Alex's tight jeans.

Alex cleared his throat. "Well. Interesting response. Next question is what would be the ideal date with me? Mulder I guess you're up first."

"I'd take your little elf ears in my hands and slam your pretty face into a brick wall until you confessed to killing my father!"

"This is getting old real fast. Spender?"

"We'd fly to New York City for a long romantic weekend. It would start with a sunset carriage ride around Central Park then to the fanciest restaurant in the city for a fabulous dinner."

"What about dessert?" Alex asked breathlessly.

"Dessert would be on you, love. A whole canister of whipped cream with chocolate sauce that I'd lick off your nubile body. We'd get drunk on strawberries soaked in champagne. Then we'd fuck each other silly until we couldn't walk straight."

"Uh, it's kind of hot in here. Skinner?"

"Yeah, what?" he barked.

"Answer the question."

"All right. I'd hand cuff you to my balcony and make you eat your dinner without using utensils, because you're a little piggie boy. Then I'd make you wash the dishes naked except for a slave collar and a see-through apron. After you're done I'll chain you to my bed where I'll have my way with you."

"Sounds kinky. My next question is if you were a pair of underwear what kind of underwear would you be? Let's start with Skinner."

"Leopard thongs."

"Ugh. Mulder?"

"Black silk boxers. Why did you kill my father?"

"Put a cork in it. Spender?"

"I go commando."

The whole audience groaned, "Ewww."

"Okay, dink. I mean Wink. I've made my decision."

"But Alex your segment isn't done yet. You still have more questions to ask."

"My segment is done."

He gave the host a menacing glare, fingering the gun in its holster.

"Okay, so Alex whom have you chosen?"

"I pick Spender."

"Are you sure?"

"Yup. Lemme at him."

"Wait. You have to meet the two men you haven't chosen first."

"Why? I've already met them."

Alex went around the screen and smiled at Spender.

"Okay, baby, take off the disguise."

Spender reached into his mouth and removed the voice simulator device.

When he spoke again his voice had increased in pitch.

"How did you know it was me?"

"First of all your answers totally gave you away plus no cigarette smoke and I know for a fact that your father is dead."

"He is? Are you sure? How?"

"I killed him, silly."

"Oh, Alex. You're such a sweetheart. I don't know why the old man always warned me to stay away from you."

"Probably because I'm a bad influence."

The man pulled away at his face, revealing a latex mask like Tom Cruise wore in Mission Impossible, only this guy wasn't Tom Cruise. He had a head of tight, curly hair, a patrician nose and sharp features. But his smile was radiant as he looked at Alex.

"Jeffrey, baby, sweetheart, where have you been hiding?"

Alex gazed with unbridled lust at Jeffrey Spender.

"With the aliens. After my father shot me they took me in."

"And you spent your time how? Watching them probe people?"

Alex's tone of voice was jealous, irritated and generally pissed off. 

"Well, I didn't do any probing myself. Honest Alex."

"Better keep it that way," he growled.

He gave Jeffrey a big, wet kiss, probing his tonsils with his limber tongue.

Mulder and Skinner glared at them.

Skinner regarded Mulder's pout. Gee, he was awfully cute but a lot of trouble. There was only one thing to do with such a troublesome agent. A good hard paddling was definitely called for. 

"Agent Mulder, come to my house after the show."

It wasn't a request, it was a command.

"Yes, sir," he replied meekly.

"Come on, let's go find us the finest hotel in Washington. I have a hankering for your ass, Jeffrey. You'll find out what real probing is all about."

"Yes, Alex."

Jeffrey threw the latex mask on the floor. The cigarette followed.

  
Archived: August 27, 2001 


End file.
